My year so far could be viewed by an outsider as a year of disappointments. For example, I got rejected from the colleges I had been dreaming of attending for at least 2 years after spending hours and hours agonizing over applications. Sometimes, it has been truly challenging at times to keep an optimistic attitude.
Everything got worse as my AP exams approached. For those not familiar AP exams, they are basically the exams that test your knowledge over advanced courses you took in high school. These courses are the equivalent of entry-level college courses.
Everybody complains about AP courses. "They're hard." "They have a lot of homework." I took my first AP courses this year, quite a bit later than average because the opportunities were not previously available to me. I took calculus and biology. I didn't really know what to expect going into them except that I knew I'd have to work hard. And let me tell you, it was a ride.
Biology was the more difficult subject. Freshman biology didn't come especially easily to me, so it was even more of a struggle to understand the material (and the hundreds of new ideas) at a much more advanced level. I have more of an analytic, engineering mind that prefers numbers any day over how biology presents itself. At the beginning of the school year, I spent no fewer than 20 hours a week slaving over just biology chapters, activities, videos, prep books, and notes, ensuring I understood every word as much as possible. It was hell, but I managed to stay afloat.
Calculus came a lot easier. Sometimes in life, you just "get" things. That's how calculus was for me, mostly. I did doubt myself for a while when we got into physical applications of integrals, but it got more natural after a while. I enjoyed the thought process that required connecting different ideas together. It's not like I'd go bounding into every calculus class excited for what I was going to learn that day, but sometimes my teacher would be teaching a new lesson, and I'd just be sitting there thinking this is absolutely incredible. Anyway, enough of that. If you read my blog, then you'll know I already like math.
As the AP exams approached at the end of the school year, my stress levels reached peak heights. I didn't really realize it at the time, but looking back, I felt completely horrible. I was concerned over these exams not because they would help me get into college (or not...), but rather because I could get some college course credit if I got high enough scores on them. So I pushed myself. And I mean, I really pushed myself to my breaking point. I suppose that's a benefit of being a gymnast; you realize your breaking point is much farther than you think it is. Part of the reason I quit gymnastics at the time was to focus more on studying for these exams. But just before then, I had an extremely emotional breakdown in the gym. I'll admit, it was mostly these exams and the disappointment of school and all sorts of anxieties that resulted in a very low tolerance level for me (believe me, I can take a lot of crap before it rattles me). So when someone was unfair toward me, I was crying so hard publicly and I didn't even care because it just felt good to not pretend to have everything together for a few minutes. I am a flawed individual and I am not ashamed to admit it.
So fast forward a bit and I took the AP exams. The calculus one was my first and most of it went very well, except for the more difficult part of it where you have to prove your answers. I messed up a few problems and only managed to remember how to solve a few of them with only 2 minutes left on the clock, so you can imagine I was writing and erasing about as madly as a seasoned mathematician would. The biology one was thoroughly disappointing, and I walked out feeling rotten about it, but feeling good that it was over. And I took a real breath for the first time in a long time. Then I started worrying about scores.
Well, I got my scores just this weekend. And guess what?! I got a 5 (highest score) on my calculus exam and a 3 (qualified score) on my biology exam. I shrieked. I was so incredibly happy! I had sacrificed hours and hours for these exams, and it finally felt like, for once, this sacrifice was completely worth it. I had doubted myself considerably, and it felt very comforting to know that I didn't do as poorly as I thought I had (another common attribute of gymnasts...thinking you're not as capable as you actually are).
Disappointments suck. But the truth is, they will always exist. The critical thing is to never let them stop you from keep trying and pushing and dreaming. Perhaps you'll feel like I did and just think your life is 80% disappointments, but honestly, it's how you perceive it. Some disappointments are easier to get over than others, but don't let disappointment equal discouragement. For the longest time, I asked myself and others if anything ever felt wholly, completely, entirely worth it. Basically, do the ends ever truly justify the means?And now, I have answered my own question. The ends do not always seem to justify the means. But when they do, you'll feel it. It will encourage you to create more means to lead to more satisfying ends. After all, perseverance is really not the result of achievement, but rather disappointments and failures.
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