Sophomore Year

Tomorrow is the first day of the fall semester. The first day of my sophomore year.

For the first time in my life, I am excited to go back to school. I wish I had been this excited a year ago. But this year is different. I know I fit in. I know I have friends to see again. And I have clubs to run and new classes to do well in.

I feel like I am connected to my university. I am an officer in two organizations, and I'm so excited to work with two great groups of people to lead the clubs. I am excited about my new classes. People tell me these are difficult courses, but I view them as challenges that I'm ready for. After the spring semester, I know I can handle extreme pressure and tackle anything that isn't working out well.

I have been ready for tomorrow since pretty much the end of the spring semester. This summer was crazy, and not all of it was enjoyable, but I made the most of it. But now is when the real fun begins.

Summer at Community College

I finished my electricity and magnetism final exam an hour ago. The class is over. My summer at community college is over. What a mixed bundle of feelings I am.

My thoughts toward community college at the beginning were pretty negative. I viewed it as a lesser place...a place that served a purpose for certain people, but I was above that. I saw it less as a place of intellectual stimulation and more as a place to just take required classes. 

And yeah, at first my experiences aligned with my judgments. I saw my general chemistry professor as being strange for being a professional juggler. I saw him as annoying because of how slow he taught, and how easy the class was. I was irritated because he spent two lectures teaching us study skills. 

But the thing is, you see how smart people are in little ways. Like the way he always chose the best examples to expand upon the concepts. Or how he would give you more depth to a concept if you wanted it. I was curious, so I googled him, and suddenly I felt miserable for ever finding him annoying. This man's Ph.D. thesis was on problems found in teaching chemistry to students, and all of his doctoral work and journal articles and everything are literally about how to teach chemistry better. This guy got a Ph.D. to essentially make my life easier. The class was easy for me because he was so educated.

With that knowledge, my perspective of him, the class, and community college changed. Realizing how completely judgmental I had been, I applied myself more and made friends. And suddenly, I was happy. Happier than I've been in most classes at my university. I passed the class easily and began my physics class.

Physics was hard at first. Getting used to the professor always seems to be one of the biggest challenges in a class. He taught at the speed of light and with a thick accent. He could be intimidating. The concepts were significantly harder than chemistry. Not as difficult as linear algebra, but still. It wasn't easy adjusting to that.

The class was at night also, so it completely wrecked my sleep schedule, which I'll now attempt to remedy. And most days, I hated it. There was a ton of work due in a little amount of time. My lab partners could act like complete jerks if they felt like it. So did my professor a few times.

But toward the end of this class, we all got along better. And my professor gave me one of the most motivating compliments I've received in my life. He became kinder toward me, and I saw how much he really cared about us beyond just students. That's rare. I doubt I'll ever receive that from my college's professors. 

The community college faculty as a whole seemed so much more relaxed and connected than at my university. When I came to class early, the heads of the departments would be talking and laughing. The first time I saw this it kind of took me by surprise. After all, I come from a place where a professor will say something snarky to another for using a classroom for a little too long.

Also, this will be the only instance in which I'll take a class with people from other colleges. People from colleges I disliked and people from colleges I dreamed of getting into. It was interesting to realize how alike we all were in our capabilities. Some of them were very smart, and it felt like I was at my college again. It kind of made me realize more that where you go to school is really just a name...what matters is who you are and what you can do.

Another thing, it made me appreciate how fortunate I am to be able to attend a 4 year university from the very beginning of my education. Even though community college isn't bad, there are definitely more resources at my college that I take for granted. 

This summer taking classes at community college turned out much better than expected. It's strange. I had a feeling, while I disliked it, that I would miss it. As I did in gymnastics, as I did in linear algebra. I guess things you hate just get more beautiful as they come to a close. You begin to reflect more and put the pieces of your experience together. You see how everything "bad" about your experience had a purpose. 

Thanks, community college. It's been great. It really has. 

Cloud Nine Compliment

I just got back from my electricity and magnetism lab. And I'm the happiest I've ever been all summer.

I know. It sounds like an oxymoron. But tonight was special.

My professor is from somewhere in Africa. I've inferred that he had a very challenging and strict education there. It shows in how he teaches, and his expectations of us. 

He has been particularly hard on me sometimes. He has stood over me while I'm working a problem in class and watched me work. It's intimidating. He will ask me to calculate stuff for him in front of the whole class. He was even pretty harsh toward me and humiliated me in front of everyone the other week for getting a wrong answer to a problem we worked in class. 

But tonight he really redeemed himself.

I was finishing up the lab with my lab partners. My professor casually walked over and asked me what my major is. 

"Mechanical engineering," I replied.

He smiled. "Mechanical engineering? Go for it," he said. "You can do it." And he patted me on the back.

First of all, I never expected him of all people to compliment me. Second, that's one of the best compliments I've ever received in my life.

It means a lot to me because this is a tough major. It's very easy to doubt yourself and feel inadequate. You feel it most when you get a bad test grade in a difficult class. You feel it when you don't understand something at first and feel lost in class. You feel it when you compare yourself to others who you know that this is definitely the right major for them. 

And it doesn't even end there for me. It's another level of challenges being a girl in engineering. You feel very singled-out and isolated. Like the elephant in the room. The odd one out. And you may be able to do what all the boys can do, but you still face opposition in quiet ways. Unfortunately, there are also still people out there who don't believe girls can be engineers. That engineering is "a man's profession". So you feel that pressure also. 

But for someone with a Ph.D. to recognize my abilities and tell me that I am good enough to be an engineer, to be what I want to be, is moving. This class has been challenging, and that makes it even more meaningful. It makes me feel like I can do this, you know? It's really easy to wish I was in an easier major with more girls. But I love mechanical engineering. It's what I want to do. And now, I finally have someone who has verbalized that he believes I am capable of achieving what I want. 

I'm on cloud nine. I'm not here often. But when I am, it changes me for the better.

Musing #1

There is a pizza place in the mall that I work at. I love pizza, and it's decent pizza. Not the greatest, but it's convenient and will satisfy a craving.

I hate going there though. I dread it. And if I do decide to buy pizza from there, I have to put my most arrogant, business-like expression on my face.

Why?

Because I know otherwise, I'm going to get hit on.

Isn't that sad? That in order to be treated like a normal human being, and not be objectified, I have to be someone I'm not usually.

I hate that the employees think that's acceptable. I hate that society thinks that's acceptable.

And to all the dickheads who say "just take it as a compliment": compliment or not, it's completely unwarranted. I don't want your opinion on my looks. I want you to treat me professionally and not as a piece of meat to say uncomfortable things to. That's all. Why is that so goddamn hard?

Why is it so goddamn hard to be treated with respect as a woman?