Ever since I was 6 or so, I always wanted to wear makeup. But back then, it was those cheap, completely shit sets that you'd see in the fucking grocery store or something that I wanted. You know, with the nail polish that smudges together when you try to use it, or "lip gloss" that is essentially tinted glue. There's just something so enchanting about those sets as a little girl though...
Anyway, I've been wearing makeup for about 7 years now. It started out completely minimal--literally just powder. I don't even think it really changed my appearance; I just wanted to believe it did and so it did (total placebo effect right there).
A few years later, the heavier makeup comes in. The foundation, blush, eye shadow, lip products...basically everything I ever wanted to wear, I had. And it was amazing. Like most kids, I struggled with pretty bad acne for a while in my early teens, and makeup helped so much with how I felt about myself. Also, I've kind of got this blushing problem that my friends like to say is adorable, but in reality it just highlights how shy I can be and makes me uncomfortable. Makeup gave me this courage that I needed to feel confident enough to talk to people, a kind of insurance that my flaws would be camouflaged.
The problem, however, is that this feeling is addicting. Makeup becomes a mental crutch of sorts: you believe you need it to be yourself. You feel like you can't be yourself if you're not wearing it. It's strange, I know. But for years I felt there was no turning back to the no-makeup days. So I wore makeup almost every day, because it gave me confidence that I needed.
Well now that I'm in college, I find myself tired and not giving a fuck about things more often. So there have been a few days, probably 3, that I have not worn makeup to school. Maybe I wasn't as concerned about the prospect of not wearing makeup as I usually would, but it was still kind of scary. It's like taking your first step after being on crutches; it's terrifying and you don't completely believe it will be okay.
Guess what? Those days were almost exactly like the 362 other days I don't wear makeup. Nobody said anything. Nobody asked if I was feeling okay. The difference was that more people talked to me. And people opened up to me more so than usual. Heck, some strange guy even asked for my number on one of those days. And yeah, I blushed, but it was much more okay than I thought it would be.
It's odd, because once I stepped away from the mirror thinking "Oh God I'm not wearing makeup today; this is going to be bad," I forgot about it. That courage makeup has given me was still there, even in the absence of the very thing that gave it to me. And honestly, I just realized that people really don't care as much as you think. Your friends, if they are your friends, will not care either. One of those days was during the end of finals week last semester. I was sitting and talking with two friends after we all had an exam that day; all of us weren't wearing makeup. It was such a raw moment; I felt like we were all being completely honest with and accepting of each other, you know?
Makeup can be a barrier if you let it be. But in my eyes, it gives you confidence, and that's a huge positive. It completely changes how you face the world. That confidence, I've found, also carries over to when you don't have it. And that's even more valuable. It shows that it's all truly within; that you don't need external things to change who you are on the inside. Makeup sometimes has a negative reputation these days because of "feminism" saying it's bad because you're putting on makeup for other people. But, at least in my experience, it's really for yourself.
I'm not going to completely stop wearing makeup or anything. But I think it's been an important revelation to truly accept that it's okay not to wear it. You will still be who you really are, makeup or no makeup.
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