Not Fitting In

"But I realized A players like working with other A players; they just don't like working with C players." - Steve Jobs

Even though that quote sounds mildly arrogant, it is true. I don't believe that I am necessarily an A player. But I feel that statement on a deep level.

All my life I have struggled to fit in. I have always struggled to fit the molds that accompany different social situations and activities. Preschool - didn't fit it. Dance - didn't fit in. High school - didn't fit in. And now, a new addition: my job - not fitting in.

All of these things have something in common: I have felt and feel largely uninspired when doing them. Boredom and frustration lead me to just seeing the task differently than everyone else. Perhaps I could chalk it all up to that and feel better. But I don't.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I too nice? Am I too shy or quiet? Is my sense of humor weird? Do people just not like me? Those are the questions that bother me whenever I get this unsettling feeling of being the odd one out, the black sheep, the ugly duckling, and so on. And it is one of the biggest hurdles for me to block out these questions and focus on moving past them and start trying to get more interested in whatever I'm doing. This has never worked though, and usually whatever it was that I didn't fit into is over pretty soon.

However, when I fit into something, I can feel it immediately. Gymnastics, certain friends throughout my life, engineering activities, physics, volunteering at the animal shelter--these are all things that I have connected very, very well with. I can feel it on an equally deep level as I do when I don't fit in. Except, they make me truly happy. They stimulate me by inspiring passion and thought. Creativity and ingenuity. A profound intellectual satisfaction.

Some people seem to have a knack for fitting into almost all the little social molds. They always know the right thing to say and do in a wide variety of situations. They can enjoy doing the extremely repetitive. And I truly envy them for their flawless social navigation.

But I realize that I am not like that. I'm mildly awkward so I can't deal with people "the correct way" sometimes. I rarely know the right thing to say. I am also a firm believer in repetition being the death of an individual, as I experienced in gymnastics.

I suppose I generally just fit better into other kinds of molds. The molds that promote a heck of a lot of thinking and problem solving. Perhaps that's just who I am by nature, and I just need to accept that. But it's so hard to when you feel so different from almost everyone you meet, and you're not really proud of it.

That is actually the main reason I am so looking forward to college and praying that I will find my place to belong there. I am wishing so badly that I can finally feel like I fit in. Last summer, I went to some engineering summer camps, and I have never felt like I connected with everyone around me as well as I did then in my whole life. I was surrounded by people my age who had the same interests and dreams as I did, and because of that, I felt like I was definitely in the right place just for a precious moment in time.

I suppose everyone is not going to fit into something, but it just seems like practically everything new I do feels wrong. It is an extremely difficult feeling to stomach over and over again. You definitely know when you don't share other people's attitudes and you know it affects a lot of things. I see a lot of quotes encouraging us to "stand alone in the crowd" and it's okay to not fit in because "you are your own unique self" and blah blah blah. Here's the truth: it hurts to not fit in. It hurts more recognizing that you don't fit in, and will never fit into what you're doing currently. It hurts that you are trapped in this thing for some time, and that this is yet another example of why you almost never fit into anything.

I am actually dreaming of the day that I can go to a job I love every day and 100%, completely, wholly, truly, happily fit in. Until that day, there will probably be a lot more misses, and the only things that are going to keep me going are the few things I do fit into and that sacred day I dream of. After all, the quality of my life depends on this dream being a reality.