Growing Up: A Mistake, Sort Of

In 12 days, I'll be a legal adult. Like, legal as in I can buy Sharpies, get married, smoke, and get a tattoo or a few. None of those sound like much consolation though.

For a girl who never wanted to grow up, it's traumatic in a small, quiet way. I still remember sitting on my mom's lap the day of my 7th birthday, having a small meltdown. "I want to be 6 FOREVER," I exclaimed as a few tears slipped out. Man, I still wish I was 6.

Kindergarten was hands down the best academic year of my life. Learning to read. Drawing. Everybody thinking I was cool because of my fake diamond necklace which I managed to convince them was totally real. Show and tell. Lots of people to play with.

Now, I reflect on something a mother of another kid in my class said on my last day of kindergarten, the day before our "graduation." As my friend and I were busy drawing intricate designs on the table smothered with shaving cream, I unconsciously heard this solid piece of philosophy.

"Pretty soon, they'll be graduating for real."

I guess it didn't happen "pretty soon", but it did go by a bit faster than I had hoped. I grew up too quickly. Darn that maturity.

I want to go back to playing with my Build a Bear animals with my childhood best friend. I want to go back to my parents smiling and  holding both of my hands as we skated around the mall's ice rink. I want to go back to the days of endless imagination, laughs, and getting in trouble with my brothers.

I suppose the one advantage of growing up is clarity. I was confused a lot as a child because I couldn't understand complicated situations, partly because I was probably too young to understand, or because nobody wanted to explain things to me. So instead I spent a lot of time just frustrated and upset, trying to come up with my own explanations. Now, as I approach 18, sometimes I feel like I have the clarity of somebody who's 80 years old. Which is good. Sort of. Actually, it only makes me feel older.

Anyway, I guess I just wish my childhood hadn't rushed by so fast. Maybe it's a good thing that I want to relive it. Of course I look forward to the day I start college, get my driver's license, etc. Those are all nice things about growing up. It's possible though that I didn't want to grow up because I was afraid of the future being worse than the present day. I mean, that's a pretty common fear. But with the future comes many opportunities for change, some good and some bad. And I live for opportunities, even if they might not be as good as those I had when I was 6 years old.