Long Term Drives the Short Term

I just got back from a special lecture my university hosted. It was special as in I paid $20 to attend it.

Jokes aside, this was a very special lecture. It featured Hugh Herr from MIT, double amputee turned engineer/researcher/entrepreneur. He talked about bionics, which is the field of applying biology to design and design to biology. It's a field that I've been very interested in for a while, as I originally was a biomedical engineering major. He, among other sources, inspired the topic of my rhetoric research paper last semester on the ethics of advancing cyborg technology.

Anyway, he lectured about his own research in the field and how it's advancing. It is incredible what is being done. Paralysis, hearing, blindness--almost every disability you can think of has radical research underway that is counteracting these effects. I can't tell you the exact specifics, because he used a lot of jargon he didn't bother to explain, so I only understood about 20% of what he was doing, but even then it was truly incredible.

About 3/4 of the way through the lecture, I teared up. Why? Because what he is doing is so enchanting. It reminded me why I want to be an engineer: to advance technology to benefit humankind. To improve lives. To save lives.

As a student, you tend to focus only on the short term. On the class you're in right now, the difficult homework you're working on right now. The test you have next week, the classes you have to register for next semester. There's just so much stuff that needs to be done in an incredibly finite amount of time that you can only afford to expend your energy on the short term.

So as you sit in your mechanics class with your incoherent, half-dead professor droning on about something that you stopped paying attention to 20 minutes ago, you lose sight of the long term. You forget the fundamental reason why you are in that class. You become bored, worried, and completely unenthusiastic. All you're focused on is getting an A (or just passing) the class. You forget the amazing things you can accomplish with what you're learning.

But sometimes you get a glimpse of what inspires you. Very rarely, you see the big picture again. It rekindles that passionate fire inside you that almost got burned out. And it makes everything seem worth it again--that you can face anything you're dealing with now in the short term, because it will be really, really worth it in the long term.

This has only happened to me twice in my short college experience. Once, of course was tonight. The other time was during a lecture given by a faculty member in my engineering club on fluid dynamics research. It was fascinating what was being done. And again, I felt that fire being ignited, reminding me that that impending computer science test was really not part of the big picture. This feeling truly gives you a sense that everything will be okay if you focus on your dreams.

I feel like this is the key to not getting burned out. I need to continually see the big picture--see it in its entirety, its beautiful, mesmerizing, inspirational self. In essence, I'm going to use the long term to drive the short term.

The Makeup-Confidence Theorem

Ever since I was 6 or so, I always wanted to wear makeup. But back then, it was those cheap, completely shit sets that you'd see in the fucking grocery store or something that I wanted. You know, with the nail polish that smudges together when you try to use it, or "lip gloss" that is essentially tinted glue. There's just something so enchanting about those sets as a little girl though...

Anyway, I've been wearing makeup for about 7 years now. It started out completely minimal--literally just powder. I don't even think it really changed my appearance; I just wanted to believe it did and so it did (total placebo effect right there).

A few years later, the heavier makeup comes in. The foundation, blush, eye shadow, lip products...basically everything I ever wanted to wear, I had. And it was amazing. Like most kids, I struggled with pretty bad acne for a while in my early teens, and makeup helped so much with how I felt about myself. Also, I've kind of got this blushing problem that my friends like to say is adorable, but in reality it just highlights how shy I can be and makes me uncomfortable. Makeup gave me this courage that I needed to feel confident enough to talk to people, a kind of insurance that my flaws would be camouflaged.

The problem, however, is that this feeling is addicting. Makeup becomes a mental crutch of sorts: you believe you need it to be yourself. You feel like you can't be yourself if you're not wearing it. It's strange, I know. But for years I felt there was no turning back to the no-makeup days. So I wore makeup almost every day, because it gave me confidence that I needed.

Well now that I'm in college, I find myself tired and not giving a fuck about things more often. So there have been a few days, probably 3, that I have not worn makeup to school. Maybe I wasn't as concerned about the prospect of not wearing makeup as I usually would, but it was still kind of scary. It's like taking your first step after being on crutches; it's terrifying and you don't completely believe it will be okay.

Guess what? Those days were almost exactly like the 362 other days I don't wear makeup. Nobody said anything. Nobody asked if I was feeling okay. The difference was that more people talked to me. And people opened up to me more so than usual. Heck, some strange guy even asked for my number on one of those days. And yeah, I blushed, but it was much more okay than I thought it would be.

It's odd, because once I stepped away from the mirror thinking "Oh God I'm not wearing makeup today; this is going to be bad," I forgot about it. That courage makeup has given me was still there, even in the absence of the very thing that gave it to me. And honestly, I just realized that people really don't care as much as you think. Your friends, if they are your friends, will not care either. One of those days was during the end of finals week last semester. I was sitting and talking with two friends after we all had an exam that day; all of us weren't wearing makeup. It was such a raw moment; I felt like we were all being completely honest with and accepting of each other, you know?

Makeup can be a barrier if you let it be. But in my eyes, it gives you confidence, and that's a huge positive. It completely changes how you face the world. That confidence, I've found, also carries over to when you don't have it. And that's even more valuable. It shows that it's all truly within; that you don't need external things to change who you are on the inside. Makeup sometimes has a negative reputation these days because of "feminism" saying it's bad because you're putting on makeup for other people. But, at least in my experience, it's really for yourself.

I'm not going to completely stop wearing makeup or anything. But I think it's been an important revelation to truly accept that it's okay not to wear it. You will still be who you really are, makeup or no makeup.

Taking Charge in a Male-Dominated Environment

Let me start off with two statements. I'm a engineering major, which means I usually have at least two group projects going on at the same time. And here's what you already know about me: I'm a girl, which means I am the severe minority of my major.

This is probably nothing new to hear. Girls have historically been scarce in engineering. We could go into the reasons for that, but that's not what this post is really about. But I will tell you that it's mildly intimidating for one reason: telling guys what to do.

With all these group projects, at some point during the design process, someone has to step up to the plate and get everyone on the same page and direct the group a little bit. Now, I am not a natural leader at all. If I could, I would gladly sit quietly and let others tell me what to do. That's comfortable to me (after all I was a gymnast, and this is what 10 years of my life consisted of...). 

As a girl, you're kind of trained to believe that a guy will take charge. Because men have typically been the bosses. But in every group project I've had so far, no guy has taken charge. In fact, in my experience, I've found they're completely willing to sit back and let others do all the work. So who ends up taking the unspoken initiative to be the leader?

I do.

Perhaps it's because I am the most concerned about my grades or because it's unbearably stressful when nobody has discussed and planned what needs to be done. But for every project I've had, I have been the one to lay out the tasks, coordinate a schedule, divide up tasks, and put together the final reports or presentations. And with the exception of one group, all of my group members have been guys. Which I really shouldn't care about, as long as they pull their weight (but that is a completely different topic that warrants another post). 

But here's the thing. As the unofficial leader, I'm typically going to have to tell a guy to do something. Which is more frightening than it sounds. Again, even in today's world, society has ingrained in our minds that women are the ones that are supposed to be told what to do, and if a woman tells a man to do something? She's suddenly bossy, bitchy, uptight, etc. Every girl feels it. We're supposed to be super nice and caring and to not step on anyone's toes in any way at all. Or else we become a bitch. Girls tell each other to do things in a very careful and timid fashion. "Hey, I'm so sorry about this, but can you do a little favor for me? I would really appreciate it. Sorry again and thank you, you're so awesome!" That is how most girls will go about getting someone to do something for them. The main thing to take away from that is the amount of apologizing that is deemed necessary.

I've been trying to stray away from addressing people like that, because let's be honest--it sounds weak. But it's genuinely hard not to apologize for stuff that you feel like you're "supposed" to be sorry for. It's hard to sound casual, not too aggressive, not too confident, and not too bossy. Why do I worry about this? Because I am a girl trying to be a leader in a society that still isn't accepting of gender equality. 

It's not like I've ever gotten a bad reaction from telling a guy what to do, but I definitely detect resentment sometimes. I have to pick my words carefully in order to not sound too forceful. Because, again, as a girl, I'm not supposed to hurt people's feelings. It is a tricky business to not cross the "bossy/bitchy" line while trying to get people to do their tasks. And it's frustrating to think that if I were a guy, I wouldn't have this problem. 

I greatly respect any woman who acts as a leader to any group of people. I can guarantee you she has felt more pressures than a man would in her situation, simply because of the ancient, yet prevalent, view in many people's minds that they should not be "bossed around" by a woman. It is stressful, frustrating, and disheartening to have a position of power as a woman. And the problem is not going to be rectified anytime soon either, unless we change the mindset of the people holding back progress. And, of course, their mindsets are not going to be changed by women, so here we are arriving back at good old discouraging square one. 

Privilege

Today I was hungry. I know right? Huge shocker.

Anyway I was on campus and decided that I was get Chick Fil A for the thousandth time since starting at this university. I hate it, really, but sometimes it's the most practical option.

I walk up to the counter and try to reach around the guy in front me of me fumbling with his bag, trying to put sauces in it. I think nothing of it, until he continues to struggle. Then I look down at his hands. They're severely deformed, to the point that he only has two fingers in total.

With a thousand things running through my mind now, I reach over and open up his bag for him, and he quickly puts the sauce packets in. "Is that better?" I ask kindly. "Yes," he replies with a warm smile, and he walks away.

In hindsight, I still can't decide if that was the right thing to do. In the moment I thought it was the kind thing to do, but at the same time I don't want him to feel like I was infringing on his independence and overly pitying him, which I'm sure he feels a lot.

But more importantly, that guy is an inspiration. He didn't let his handicap stop him from graduating from high school and pursuing his desire for a college education. Think how difficult it would be: you couldn't type or take notes or even read very easily. You couldn't turn door handles or drive or text. Almost everything is against him, yet here he is, trying to do what the rest of us are doing, except infinitely many times harder. Basically everything I take for granted, he can't do. And the fact that he still has such warmth and kindness...well, it's very moving. I admire that. If I were him, I'm not sure if I would have the courage to do the same.

I have no legitimate reason to complain about anything at all. Life could be a thousand times harder if I had been born with that birth defect. Last semester, when I was in the library really early, the cleaners would be cleaning the area around me, and I'd just be sitting there thinking how it was because of my privilege that I was the one getting a college education and not them; under different circumstances, I would be a cleaner too. And that's not fair, is it? That one's parents' social class can literally determine your whole life. Or the body you are born in. Life would also be a thousand times harder if I didn't have the opportunities that I do.

I stress over a lot, but it's all extremely petty in comparison to what it could be. I have a life with independence and opportunities that many people can only dream of. And I need to start seeing it as a dream, too.

2014

Ah, it's been too long since I've written anything here. I was a little busy finishing up 2014.

This was possibly the best year of my life. To review some of the main things that happened:

- Got my driver's license

- Accepted my offer of admission to my university 

- Quit my 10 year competitive gymnastics career

- Graduated from high school (aka the ninth layer of hell)

- Got a job

- Started college

- Finished my first semester

The year started off a little rough with rejection letters every other day, either from colleges or potential jobs. But after a very long time of meditation, I think I've mostly come to terms with everything. It still hurts to think about how much I sacrificed for some of those, but I am very happy with where I am now.

Graduating high school was the second best part of the year. It was one of the best feelings of my life to walk out of the ceremony, knowing that it was all behind me. Just imagine how it would feel to spend two years of your life wishing for nothing more to leave the place you hate more and more every second you're in it--and then, you leave. I consider myself very fortunate to never have to step foot in my high school again.

The best part of the year, of course, was starting college. Initially, I doubted myself, as unfortunately, I do in everything. I questioned whether I was actually good enough for college. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that the night before my first day, I felt actual terror. But it was okay. It was great. I am finally in a place that I feel I've needed to be in for a very long time, which is extremely comforting. Granted, there were a fair amount of challenges, annoying projects, and disappointing grades, but it all worked out okay. Regardless, I'm happy. And to be honest, I kind of wanted those challenges. 

Also notable was getting a job; not my first job, but my first real job in a real company with real guidelines. It was completely terrifying and hard for a few weeks, but I'm really thankful I stuck with it. It's the first job I've had that has made going out my comfort zone second nature. That's saying something. Customers almost always are kind and appreciative of the tasks I do for them, which I guess is something I enjoy, a lot. Perhaps sometimes it is definitely thankless, but I enjoy helping others, a breath of fresh air from being a student, which is a completely self-centered position.

I am very happy with 2014. It had its downs, of course, as every year does. But the ups were definitely ups. Ups that make me very happy to be alive. You were great 2014. 2015 can only be better. 

The Pain of Being Introverted

It's Halloween. I'm supposed to be at a party that theoretically allows me to meet other scholarship students. I walk in, and almost immediately tense up. I completely shut down. Instead of trying to talk to anyone, I choose to text my friend to hurry up and arrive before I die of discomfort.

Ah, the joys of being an introvert.

It's not like I can't talk to people I don't know. And I pride myself on being (somewhat) easy to talk to. It's just that it's so damn hard. My heart goes in my throat, and it requires a sincere effort to get the words out of my mouth. And usually, I can put on a pretty brave front and act like I talk to strangers all the time (after all, I did do this when I worked in retail...but that was mostly because I would get fired if I didn't). But it requires way too much effort.

And the worst part of talking to people you don't know is that 99% of the time, you have nothing to talk about. So naturally, you pretend you have something to talk about. You ask them where they're from. Their major. Their hobbies. The freaking weather. Uggh. It's so hard and boring.

And that's not where the implications of being introverted stop. Something I suffered from throughout high school was the fact that my brother and I were literally in every class together. He is the polar opposite of me--crazy extroverted, natural leader, everyone loves talking to him, etc. So naturally, there was a constant comparison. Sometimes he would even blatantly point out how quiet I was in class, which is probably the last thing you want to do to anyone. And if I ever tried to talk to anyone, he would point that out too. "Oh, look who's finally talking to someone. Maybe you won't go through life alone." And then I would stop talking. So it's not just being introverted that hurts; it's the fact that more extroverted people notice and usually feel every obligation to blatantly point it out.

In many people's eyes, being introverted generally has a negative connotation--one that usually points to a social outcast. I wouldn't go that far. If you put me in the right situation, I'll talk. If you give me the right person, I can talk forever. But the problem is that the conditions have to be just so for me to feel completely comfortable. If not, usually I'll force myself to appear more extroverted, and it is a painful, painful process to pretend to be someone you're not. Yet, I wouldn't have met my friends this semester if I hadn't pretended like I wasn't introverted. Ah, the necessity of being as extroverted as possible in this society.

I'm getting better. I have done so many things within the past few months that I knew would be good for me but made me extremely uncomfortable. Heck, I even joined a somewhat clique-y club. Alone. And I am fitting in, slowly, but I'm getting there.

Sometimes it can be agonizing being introverted, but most of the time I'm okay with it. There are some advantages, but sometimes it is incredibly difficult feeling pressure to be someone I'm not naturally in this extroverted society. Or maybe, this society is actually introverted and we're all having to fake it to have a decent quality of life.

Secular or Expanded Horizons?

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. - Aristotle

Up until college, my education was largely Christian-based. At times, it was more Christian than others (sometimes very uncomfortably Christian). As a Christian, most of the time I was fine with it, and in reality, it's not too different from a more "secular" form of education like one would receive in a public school. But in high school, I started to like it less and less because of what it led to represent--which was something very un-Christian: bigotry.

Take, for instance, biology. If you're taught biology from a Christian perspective, you basically have the idea of intelligent design drilled into you. There's nothing wrong with learning about intelligent design. In fact, everyone should. Yet there is something wrong with not learning the other side of the argument, aka what many uneducated call "evolution" which they actually mean to be microevolution (for this reason, I wasn't taught anything about the theory of evolution until I took AP biology, and only then, it was done grudgingly out of necessity).

The term "evolution" has a very dirty meaning in the Christian education system. Ignorantly, many people assume that evolution as a whole means that God didn't design the world, and that everything came about through one thing being derived from another. However, an educated Christian would realize this is ridiculous. A large portion of evolution cannot be argued, or very well at least; for example, if you have a population of a species that you separate by some biological barrier, such as a geographical barrier or reproductive barrier (this is known as allopatric and sympatric speciation, respectively), the species is going to evolve. In each case, the species is going to have adapt in some way to the change. You cannot deny that, regardless of your faith, or lack thereof. 

In actuality, the part of evolution that denies intelligent design and what many Christians are probably upset about is microevolution. Microevolution basically concerns the very beginning of evolution. It attempts to answer the question of how everything came to exist. A devout Creationist would say that God created everything, and that's the end of that. But for evolutionists, the question is not so easily answered. In an attempt to prove that life could be fashioned from simple gases present in the early earth's atmosphere, there was a famous experiment done called the Miller-Urey experiment in which scientists recreated early earth's conditions in a closed system. They ran the system for a while, even recreating lightning that was present on early earth by sending electricity through it. After the experiment ran, there were a few substances present, notably, one or two amino acids, that led the scientists to conclude that life could be made just out of the air, literally.

My point in detailing this experiment is that many Christians would have a very negative reaction to this. But it fascinates me. Perhaps I don't really accept it, but I still find it intriguing. In fact, it's the clearest thing I remember from advanced biology.

Now in college, I see the "secular" side of it that I was warned of sooooo much from my past teachers. "College will try to convert you. You need to be strong in your faith. Take everything non-Christian with a grain of salt, because it's not right." I heard that about a billion times before I actually got here. On reflection, it was one of the most bigoted things I've ever heard. 

In my introduction to philosophy class, we're covering philosophy of religion right now. There are so many arguments against God that I have never been aware of, and it is incredibly engaging. For the first time in my life, I am seeing the other side of the argument. And while I may not accept it, I am extremely interested. It is expanding my horizons, opening my eyes to ideas and letting me consider them for myself without the noise of others' opinions. It makes me realize how lacking my education prior to college was, because it just exemplifies how incredibly biased it was--something, I'm sure, is not Christian in any way.

I am not bashing Christianity. I am bashing bigotry, and trying to show that it actually limits your education. If you choose to only see one side of the problem, you're ignorant. The better thing to do is to fairly consider both sides of the problem and draw your own conclusions, rather than forcing your opinions on others. 

Perhaps I am just extremely tolerant and open to different ideas. But shouldn't we all be? After all, education really is just the act of expanding your horizons. Why not take full advantage of that?