It's Halloween. I'm supposed to be at a party that theoretically allows me to meet other scholarship students. I walk in, and almost immediately tense up. I completely shut down. Instead of trying to talk to anyone, I choose to text my friend to hurry up and arrive before I die of discomfort.
Ah, the joys of being an introvert.
It's not like I can't talk to people I don't know. And I pride myself on being (somewhat) easy to talk to. It's just that it's so damn hard. My heart goes in my throat, and it requires a sincere effort to get the words out of my mouth. And usually, I can put on a pretty brave front and act like I talk to strangers all the time (after all, I did do this when I worked in retail...but that was mostly because I would get fired if I didn't). But it requires way too much effort.
And the worst part of talking to people you don't know is that 99% of the time, you have nothing to talk about. So naturally, you pretend you have something to talk about. You ask them where they're from. Their major. Their hobbies. The freaking weather. Uggh. It's so hard and boring.
And that's not where the implications of being introverted stop. Something I suffered from throughout high school was the fact that my brother and I were literally in every class together. He is the polar opposite of me--crazy extroverted, natural leader, everyone loves talking to him, etc. So naturally, there was a constant comparison. Sometimes he would even blatantly point out how quiet I was in class, which is probably the last thing you want to do to anyone. And if I ever tried to talk to anyone, he would point that out too. "Oh, look who's finally talking to someone. Maybe you won't go through life alone." And then I would stop talking. So it's not just being introverted that hurts; it's the fact that more extroverted people notice and usually feel every obligation to blatantly point it out.
In many people's eyes, being introverted generally has a negative connotation--one that usually points to a social outcast. I wouldn't go that far. If you put me in the right situation, I'll talk. If you give me the right person, I can talk forever. But the problem is that the conditions have to be just so for me to feel completely comfortable. If not, usually I'll force myself to appear more extroverted, and it is a painful, painful process to pretend to be someone you're not. Yet, I wouldn't have met my friends this semester if I hadn't pretended like I wasn't introverted. Ah, the necessity of being as extroverted as possible in this society.
I'm getting better. I have done so many things within the past few months that I knew would be good for me but made me extremely uncomfortable. Heck, I even joined a somewhat clique-y club. Alone. And I am fitting in, slowly, but I'm getting there.
Sometimes it can be agonizing being introverted, but most of the time I'm okay with it. There are some advantages, but sometimes it is incredibly difficult feeling pressure to be someone I'm not naturally in this extroverted society. Or maybe, this society is actually introverted and we're all having to fake it to have a decent quality of life.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Secular or Expanded Horizons?
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. - Aristotle
Up until college, my education was largely Christian-based. At times, it was more Christian than others (sometimes very uncomfortably Christian). As a Christian, most of the time I was fine with it, and in reality, it's not too different from a more "secular" form of education like one would receive in a public school. But in high school, I started to like it less and less because of what it led to represent--which was something very un-Christian: bigotry.
Take, for instance, biology. If you're taught biology from a Christian perspective, you basically have the idea of intelligent design drilled into you. There's nothing wrong with learning about intelligent design. In fact, everyone should. Yet there is something wrong with not learning the other side of the argument, aka what many uneducated call "evolution" which they actually mean to be microevolution (for this reason, I wasn't taught anything about the theory of evolution until I took AP biology, and only then, it was done grudgingly out of necessity).
The term "evolution" has a very dirty meaning in the Christian education system. Ignorantly, many people assume that evolution as a whole means that God didn't design the world, and that everything came about through one thing being derived from another. However, an educated Christian would realize this is ridiculous. A large portion of evolution cannot be argued, or very well at least; for example, if you have a population of a species that you separate by some biological barrier, such as a geographical barrier or reproductive barrier (this is known as allopatric and sympatric speciation, respectively), the species is going to evolve. In each case, the species is going to have adapt in some way to the change. You cannot deny that, regardless of your faith, or lack thereof.
In actuality, the part of evolution that denies intelligent design and what many Christians are probably upset about is microevolution. Microevolution basically concerns the very beginning of evolution. It attempts to answer the question of how everything came to exist. A devout Creationist would say that God created everything, and that's the end of that. But for evolutionists, the question is not so easily answered. In an attempt to prove that life could be fashioned from simple gases present in the early earth's atmosphere, there was a famous experiment done called the Miller-Urey experiment in which scientists recreated early earth's conditions in a closed system. They ran the system for a while, even recreating lightning that was present on early earth by sending electricity through it. After the experiment ran, there were a few substances present, notably, one or two amino acids, that led the scientists to conclude that life could be made just out of the air, literally.
My point in detailing this experiment is that many Christians would have a very negative reaction to this. But it fascinates me. Perhaps I don't really accept it, but I still find it intriguing. In fact, it's the clearest thing I remember from advanced biology.
Now in college, I see the "secular" side of it that I was warned of sooooo much from my past teachers. "College will try to convert you. You need to be strong in your faith. Take everything non-Christian with a grain of salt, because it's not right." I heard that about a billion times before I actually got here. On reflection, it was one of the most bigoted things I've ever heard.
In my introduction to philosophy class, we're covering philosophy of religion right now. There are so many arguments against God that I have never been aware of, and it is incredibly engaging. For the first time in my life, I am seeing the other side of the argument. And while I may not accept it, I am extremely interested. It is expanding my horizons, opening my eyes to ideas and letting me consider them for myself without the noise of others' opinions. It makes me realize how lacking my education prior to college was, because it just exemplifies how incredibly biased it was--something, I'm sure, is not Christian in any way.
I am not bashing Christianity. I am bashing bigotry, and trying to show that it actually limits your education. If you choose to only see one side of the problem, you're ignorant. The better thing to do is to fairly consider both sides of the problem and draw your own conclusions, rather than forcing your opinions on others.
Perhaps I am just extremely tolerant and open to different ideas. But shouldn't we all be? After all, education really is just the act of expanding your horizons. Why not take full advantage of that?
Friday, October 10, 2014
The Difference a Year Can Make
This week has been a struggle. For one, it's the week before midterms. And second, I've contracted an annoying cold that has left me sniffling every 5 seconds. Yeah, I'm "that girl" that everyone hates for going to school sick. Sorry, but, education, you know.
So on Wednesday, I was eating lunch in the cafeteria before my programming lecture. I looked and felt horrible, and genuinely just wanted to eat alone. Alas.
I was approached by two students who asked me if they could sit down. My first thought was no. That was followed up by Why do they want to sit with me when there are like 20 open tables? But me, being too nice for my own good, said "Yeah, sure!" and made space for them. Also, you can't really say no when someone asks if they can sit with you...unless you want to be a complete douche bag.
I looked at them and waited. What were they going to pitch to me this time? The guy speaks up. "We are a Christian organization on campus," he says. "What is your spirituality?"
I stared at him with my tired, puffy eyes. Dear God. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Do I really look like I want to discuss this?
"Uhhh...what do you mean? Like, what is my religion?" I say, feeling uncomfortable discussing this with a complete stranger. He nods. Oh shit, I think. I can't believe I'm having to answer this. I gave a pretty weak, general answer, because I felt too uncomfortable to really give them depth.
Based on my answer, they probably sensed I was desperately in need of Jesus. To get at this, he then asked me "Are you happy with your life?"
This question took the cake. It was startling. You don't just ask random strangers if they're happy with their lives! I have never in my life really considered this question. Yeah, sure, everyone has an idea of exactly how religious they are. But not many people stop and truly consider if they're happy with their lives.
My answer was that relative to last year, yes, I am happy. I understand that if I had said no, that could be a way they could get me more interested in joining the organization because of the promise that becoming more religious would equate to more happiness. Or at least, I think that's what their mindset was. Regardless, I've been thinking about this question ever since.
I find it difficult to imagine anyone truly, wholly, 100% happy with his or her life. Is that actually possible? Won't there always be something that detracts from your happiness, even if in a negligible way? Something in your unhappier past, or something in the uncertainty of the future, that makes you less happy at the current stage of your life? What does it really take to be happy?
So, am I happy now? I can't answer that without making a comparison.
A year ago, I was miserable. I knew I was unhappy at the time, but in hindsight, I was actually miserable. I had a host of problems on my plate, with the biggest portion devoted to the life-sucking college admissions process. I was also stuck in a school I loathed--every second I was there, I spent my "free time" staring at the pictures of the previous graduating classes on the wall and just constantly thinking "When is that going to be me? Am I ever going to get there?" To further emphasize how unhappy I was, I want to share some segments of my journal entries throughout the year.
"I hope this road through high school ends at a desirable location. I feel blind and lost on the path to what I want. I'm only hoping everything will turn out...is that okay? To just hope and try your best to act on it?"
"I just want to know I'll be okay, I suppose. That when I stand on the stage at graduation in a year, looking into my parents' eyes and grasping my diploma...that I feel accomplished and proud. That it all paid off. That everything was for something. Because right now, it definitely doesn't feel like it."
"I don't understand how I could have worked so hard and done so much and dreamed so much and it just came down to 6 rejections."
"What is there to focus on when your whole life, you've focused on the long term and that has driven you to excel and then suddenly your long term gets crushed very quickly?"
"I put everything I had into this school, and I'm still not good enough."
"I feel like I haven't gotten a chance to take a step back and breathe and think about everything. Too busy to be happy, really."
"[...] Because the only idea I'm holding onto is that life will somehow be better after I graduate."
"A year from now, I'll be at one of those colleges and I will be happy."
I apologize; that was pretty depressing. Yet, realistic. What strikes me is that now, a year later, the difference in my happiness level is comparable to the difference between day and night. Somehow, a year ago, I knew things would get better, but I didn't fully accept it. I was just waiting for it to happen. And it finally happened, my first week of college; all of that disappointment I'd carried with me for months disappeared very quickly.
Sure, I've still got things that concern me, but I can say that I am relatively happy. As I've already said, for once in my life, I feel like I am, academically, in the right place. It is astonishing the difference that that has made in my happiness level. It was practically everything I needed.
Perhaps complete happiness can be achieved by feeling like everything just fits -- as if every component of your past and present life are in perfect harmony. Until then, I can say I'm genuinely happy with my current level of happiness.
So on Wednesday, I was eating lunch in the cafeteria before my programming lecture. I looked and felt horrible, and genuinely just wanted to eat alone. Alas.
I was approached by two students who asked me if they could sit down. My first thought was no. That was followed up by Why do they want to sit with me when there are like 20 open tables? But me, being too nice for my own good, said "Yeah, sure!" and made space for them. Also, you can't really say no when someone asks if they can sit with you...unless you want to be a complete douche bag.
I looked at them and waited. What were they going to pitch to me this time? The guy speaks up. "We are a Christian organization on campus," he says. "What is your spirituality?"
I stared at him with my tired, puffy eyes. Dear God. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Do I really look like I want to discuss this?
"Uhhh...what do you mean? Like, what is my religion?" I say, feeling uncomfortable discussing this with a complete stranger. He nods. Oh shit, I think. I can't believe I'm having to answer this. I gave a pretty weak, general answer, because I felt too uncomfortable to really give them depth.
Based on my answer, they probably sensed I was desperately in need of Jesus. To get at this, he then asked me "Are you happy with your life?"
This question took the cake. It was startling. You don't just ask random strangers if they're happy with their lives! I have never in my life really considered this question. Yeah, sure, everyone has an idea of exactly how religious they are. But not many people stop and truly consider if they're happy with their lives.
My answer was that relative to last year, yes, I am happy. I understand that if I had said no, that could be a way they could get me more interested in joining the organization because of the promise that becoming more religious would equate to more happiness. Or at least, I think that's what their mindset was. Regardless, I've been thinking about this question ever since.
I find it difficult to imagine anyone truly, wholly, 100% happy with his or her life. Is that actually possible? Won't there always be something that detracts from your happiness, even if in a negligible way? Something in your unhappier past, or something in the uncertainty of the future, that makes you less happy at the current stage of your life? What does it really take to be happy?
So, am I happy now? I can't answer that without making a comparison.
A year ago, I was miserable. I knew I was unhappy at the time, but in hindsight, I was actually miserable. I had a host of problems on my plate, with the biggest portion devoted to the life-sucking college admissions process. I was also stuck in a school I loathed--every second I was there, I spent my "free time" staring at the pictures of the previous graduating classes on the wall and just constantly thinking "When is that going to be me? Am I ever going to get there?" To further emphasize how unhappy I was, I want to share some segments of my journal entries throughout the year.
"I hope this road through high school ends at a desirable location. I feel blind and lost on the path to what I want. I'm only hoping everything will turn out...is that okay? To just hope and try your best to act on it?"
"I just want to know I'll be okay, I suppose. That when I stand on the stage at graduation in a year, looking into my parents' eyes and grasping my diploma...that I feel accomplished and proud. That it all paid off. That everything was for something. Because right now, it definitely doesn't feel like it."
"I don't understand how I could have worked so hard and done so much and dreamed so much and it just came down to 6 rejections."
"What is there to focus on when your whole life, you've focused on the long term and that has driven you to excel and then suddenly your long term gets crushed very quickly?"
"I put everything I had into this school, and I'm still not good enough."
"I feel like I haven't gotten a chance to take a step back and breathe and think about everything. Too busy to be happy, really."
"[...] Because the only idea I'm holding onto is that life will somehow be better after I graduate."
"A year from now, I'll be at one of those colleges and I will be happy."
I apologize; that was pretty depressing. Yet, realistic. What strikes me is that now, a year later, the difference in my happiness level is comparable to the difference between day and night. Somehow, a year ago, I knew things would get better, but I didn't fully accept it. I was just waiting for it to happen. And it finally happened, my first week of college; all of that disappointment I'd carried with me for months disappeared very quickly.
Sure, I've still got things that concern me, but I can say that I am relatively happy. As I've already said, for once in my life, I feel like I am, academically, in the right place. It is astonishing the difference that that has made in my happiness level. It was practically everything I needed.
Perhaps complete happiness can be achieved by feeling like everything just fits -- as if every component of your past and present life are in perfect harmony. Until then, I can say I'm genuinely happy with my current level of happiness.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Even Expectations Are Shocking
Right now in my rhetoric class, we're putting the final touches on our rhetorical analyses. And let me tell you, I'll be glad to be rid of it. I hate the stuffiness of MLA format and the boring content. Give me creative writing that allows me to bleed a free flow of my ideas any day.
Anyway, as we finish up these essays, we are supposed to review our peers' papers. I wasn't too worried about this; I've always been told I write well and I can't think of an essay I got below an A on. So, it came as a surprise that someone who reviewed my paper said my analysis was "all over the place", my introduction and conclusion were "weak to average", and on a scale of 1 to 10, he would give it a "6/10, I guess."
Believe me, I can take constructive criticism. Heck, I can take mean criticism. But somehow, I was still mildly taken aback by these comments. And the root of it is basically this: I've never been told I'm average at anything.
I'm going to attempt to explain this in the least conceited way possible (I swear I am a humble person). But let me put it this way: if my high school had had a valedictorian, I'm almost certain it would have been me. With the exception of AP biology, my class averages were always 98 or over. I stood out to my teachers because I worked hard, actually committed myself to do the homework (unlike my peers), and just "got" everything--even things I didn't particularly like. Every teacher always had some sort of praise for me, and I basically glided through high school as one of the smartest and most ambitious.
Going into college, I knew things were going to change. I knew I wouldn't be one of the best anymore, but I welcomed that. There is an excellent quote that goes like "If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room." That quote really speaks to me, and ever since I read it, I craved that feeling. I was sick of feeling like everyone around me was stupid. It would be refreshing to have others smarter than I was around me.
And it has been great. For once in my life, academically, I feel like I'm in the right place. I enjoy not being able to answer questions that many others can, because it means that the competition is equal or better than my own abilities. In a way, I enjoy the slight struggle to understand everything new I'm learning, because it means I'm being intellectually challenged, something I ached for throughout high school.
Perhaps it has been tough medicine to swallow that I don't stand out anymore. The peer review was my best example of that. I am happily learning to accept it, though, because I've genuinely wanted this dilemma my whole academic life.
Anyway, as we finish up these essays, we are supposed to review our peers' papers. I wasn't too worried about this; I've always been told I write well and I can't think of an essay I got below an A on. So, it came as a surprise that someone who reviewed my paper said my analysis was "all over the place", my introduction and conclusion were "weak to average", and on a scale of 1 to 10, he would give it a "6/10, I guess."
Believe me, I can take constructive criticism. Heck, I can take mean criticism. But somehow, I was still mildly taken aback by these comments. And the root of it is basically this: I've never been told I'm average at anything.
I'm going to attempt to explain this in the least conceited way possible (I swear I am a humble person). But let me put it this way: if my high school had had a valedictorian, I'm almost certain it would have been me. With the exception of AP biology, my class averages were always 98 or over. I stood out to my teachers because I worked hard, actually committed myself to do the homework (unlike my peers), and just "got" everything--even things I didn't particularly like. Every teacher always had some sort of praise for me, and I basically glided through high school as one of the smartest and most ambitious.
Going into college, I knew things were going to change. I knew I wouldn't be one of the best anymore, but I welcomed that. There is an excellent quote that goes like "If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room." That quote really speaks to me, and ever since I read it, I craved that feeling. I was sick of feeling like everyone around me was stupid. It would be refreshing to have others smarter than I was around me.
And it has been great. For once in my life, academically, I feel like I'm in the right place. I enjoy not being able to answer questions that many others can, because it means that the competition is equal or better than my own abilities. In a way, I enjoy the slight struggle to understand everything new I'm learning, because it means I'm being intellectually challenged, something I ached for throughout high school.
Perhaps it has been tough medicine to swallow that I don't stand out anymore. The peer review was my best example of that. I am happily learning to accept it, though, because I've genuinely wanted this dilemma my whole academic life.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
The End of the Tech Store Saga
Well, my horribly sad story of attempting to connect with the cute tech store guy has reached a conclusion.
I went into the store for probably the 5th time. My excuse this time was to buy an additional lightning cable for my iPhone so I could charge my phone at school (who am I kidding...there is plenty of battery life to make it through the day). Regardless, I wandered around the store a bit in an attempt to act totally casual. I came so, so, so, so close to him ringing me up. Yet, I was forced to buy it from the other employee.
I paid $17 for a chance at a conversation that probably wouldn't have been worth $17. And it was only a CHANCE. I'm disappointed in myself, honestly. I had even made up a list of pros and cons when I was deciding whether to go into the store again or not. The cons drastically outweighed the pros, yet my feelings overrode my logic and ended up screwing me over.
Obviously, from now on I'm only entering the tech store if I actually need something tech-related in there. In a way though, I'm not obsessed anymore and that's definitely a good thing. Nobody has time to be obsessed.
Aside from that, college is going great but very busy. I'm already putting more effort into everything than I did in high school. Actually, the only thing I put a college-level amount of effort into in high school was AP biology. But that was because I just generally sucked at remembering biological things. Don't even ask me how the immune system works (in reality I should know the answer to anything about it because I spent two weeks studying it...). Give me math any day.
I will try to update my blog here as often as possible, but for now, college comes first. I genuinely miss writing a post each week, and I have a list in reserve of lots of ideas for posts. Oh lame, rambling blog, I miss you. I will be back soon.
I went into the store for probably the 5th time. My excuse this time was to buy an additional lightning cable for my iPhone so I could charge my phone at school (who am I kidding...there is plenty of battery life to make it through the day). Regardless, I wandered around the store a bit in an attempt to act totally casual. I came so, so, so, so close to him ringing me up. Yet, I was forced to buy it from the other employee.
I paid $17 for a chance at a conversation that probably wouldn't have been worth $17. And it was only a CHANCE. I'm disappointed in myself, honestly. I had even made up a list of pros and cons when I was deciding whether to go into the store again or not. The cons drastically outweighed the pros, yet my feelings overrode my logic and ended up screwing me over.
Obviously, from now on I'm only entering the tech store if I actually need something tech-related in there. In a way though, I'm not obsessed anymore and that's definitely a good thing. Nobody has time to be obsessed.
Aside from that, college is going great but very busy. I'm already putting more effort into everything than I did in high school. Actually, the only thing I put a college-level amount of effort into in high school was AP biology. But that was because I just generally sucked at remembering biological things. Don't even ask me how the immune system works (in reality I should know the answer to anything about it because I spent two weeks studying it...). Give me math any day.
I will try to update my blog here as often as possible, but for now, college comes first. I genuinely miss writing a post each week, and I have a list in reserve of lots of ideas for posts. Oh lame, rambling blog, I miss you. I will be back soon.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
The Tech Store Saga
I'm going to discuss a story that has been developing for a year, and consistently has a tragic ending for each segment. Ready for a frustrating, disheartening tale of my painful attempt at flirting?
Episode 1: Scholar's Day
A year ago, I was here on campus as a prospective student who was invited on a designated day to see the very best of the university. As I was wandering around campus, there was a specific area of rows and rows of tables. Each table represented a club, fraternity, sorority, or on-campus resource. So, I strolled along the rows, just sort of looking but not seeing, not really wanting to have to interact with anyone. That was all well and good until I started down the final row. I accidentally made eye contact with the guy behind a table, and basically thought oh shit, now I'm going to have to talk to someone. I know, I know. That's a horrible thing to say. But I'm only being honest. I take a few steps in the opposite direction. "Hello."
My eyes travel back to the guy I had made eye contact with. Tall, dark wavy hair that was a little too long, classic hipster glasses, somewhat tired expression--he basically looks like a typical computer science major. "Hi," I reply, reluctantly walking over to the table.
"We're the Tech Store. We have all your tech needs," he says quietly.
"Okay," I say, nodding my head and desperately trying to think of something to say. Think. Come on, thinkkkkk.
"Yeahhhh," he says. Cue an awkward, three second pause during which neither of us really look at each other.
Say something. Say it now. Seriously, THINK OF SOMETHING.
"So, do you guys sell computers?" As soon as I said it, I hated myself. I blushed. It was probably the dumbest thing to ever say to someone who works at the TECHNOLOGY STORE.
"Yeah," he says, probably noting the stupid question, but probably also relieved the silence was broken. He rambles on about other things they do, but I wasn't listening. My cheeks were burning and I just wanted to run away.
"Okay, thanks," I reply warmly, moving away a little. "I'm just going to take some of this candy you have sitting out here." I grab a piece and start moving.
"Take more," he said.
"No, I'm good, thanks."
"No really, take more."
At this point, any normal person would take more candy. But you know what I said?
"No, I really shouldn't eat candy." And now I'm walking away as fast as possible.
What. The. Heck. Is. Wrong. With. Me. I'm not kidding when I say I replay that over and over sometimes during those nights I can't fall asleep. It's so awkward and painful to remember. Also, just note I was awkward only because I wasn't expecting to talk to anyone. I wasn't attracted to him or anything. Yet.
Episode #2: The Download
Fast forward 10 months. It's my first week of college, and I don't have a good version of Microsoft Office on my computer. So, I buy the download option from the tech store website. Yet, I don't receive the download link, and I'm instead told to pick it up in store. I'm 20 feet from the tech store, so I just decide to go ask what the deal is right now.
I walk in and approach the first employee. "Can I ask you something?" I say nicely, thinking about all the abrupt ways customers would ask me questions.
He looks up. He looks really familiar.
"Yes, you can," he says in a funny voice. I sense that was a joke, as if I weren't originally allowed to ask him something but now he's allowing me to. I press on with my question about the download link that is no where to be found, and if there's actually something I need to pick up in store.
"No," he says simply, cocking his head to the side and smiling. Pause. You're sort of supposed to elaborate I think.
"So...there's nothing I need to do here?" I say, trying to actually make sense of it all.
"Nope," he says. "But you could say 'hi'." He smiles slightly and is giving me alarmingly intense eye contact.
My stomach twists. Don't blush don't blush don't blush. I laugh. "Hi," I reply.
"Hi." We both just sort of look at each other. I can't stand it, and I still haven't gotten a decent answer. I was also thinking that if I had ever acted like this with a customer, I would have been told to never do it again as I would be unprofessional and not representing the company well and blah blah blah. But, college retail is apparently very different.
"So, I'll get the link by email?"
"Yes, we just haven't updated our description on the website. That's why you're confused. It will come in a day or two," he replies, this time acting like a normal retail employee. At last, my question is answered.
"Okay, thank you," I reply.
"No problem...and I can help you with something else if you need," he offers sincerely.
"No...no, I'm good for now."
"Are you sure?" he asks playfully, pretending to be very serious about it. I laugh and say I'm sure, and leave.
A few minutes later, I realized that was the same guy I had talked to on Scholar's Day. But he had gotten way, way more attractive. He had cut his hair. He still looked like a nerd, but in this case, the nerd look was very nice.
Obviously, after that kind of conversation, I'm going to think about it. It was strange to me, yet enjoyable. Of course I would try to talk to him again.
Episode #3: Buying a Flash Drive I Didn't Really Need
A few days later, I'm sitting outside the tech store. I see him and really want to talk to him, but something is holding me back. After a while of feeling horrible and distant, I say "screw it" and gather up my stuff. I'm going in.
He sitting at the front, untangling a cord. He doesn't even look up. I pretend to be looking for a flash drive, and am approached by another employee who recommends one. I take it and walk around the store, just trying to buy time...just trying to think of a way I can say something to him without being blatantly obvious. But I can't. And he seems so preoccupied. I buy the flash drive from the other employee and leave. Cute nerdy guy ignored me the whole time. Disappointing day. I resolve to give up any attempt at talking to him, because he's obviously not interested.
Episode #4: Waiting Is Never a Good Idea
Today, I was sitting outside the tech store. Part of me wanted to go in and try again, and part of me didn't. And part of me told me that I should really be doing my calculus homework. So I just sat for an hour, stealing glances at him occasionally. After a while, when the tech store was pretty empty of people, I decided to just screw it again and go in, this time with the excuse of looking for an extra lightening cable for my iPhone.
He was standing right at the entrance. I walk in. We make eye contact, and I say hi quietly, moving to the back of the store where the cables are, because unfortunately, I do need to act like I'm there for a reason. And then, he leaves.
I should have known. He had his backpack and everything, and I waited just a little too long. Damn it. Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn it. I leave, feeling horrible, yet AGAIN.
This is where the story ends for now. Tragic, right? Why do I keep trying? Why can't I just forget about it and move on?
Regardless, I have told myself I will go in tomorrow after classes and try one more time. I'm going to give my absolute best effort to converse with him. If it doesn't work, fine. At least I have that consolation. If it works, then I have THAT consolation. But I am tired of this frustration, and I want it resolved.
Stay tuned for the final update.
Episode 1: Scholar's Day
A year ago, I was here on campus as a prospective student who was invited on a designated day to see the very best of the university. As I was wandering around campus, there was a specific area of rows and rows of tables. Each table represented a club, fraternity, sorority, or on-campus resource. So, I strolled along the rows, just sort of looking but not seeing, not really wanting to have to interact with anyone. That was all well and good until I started down the final row. I accidentally made eye contact with the guy behind a table, and basically thought oh shit, now I'm going to have to talk to someone. I know, I know. That's a horrible thing to say. But I'm only being honest. I take a few steps in the opposite direction. "Hello."
My eyes travel back to the guy I had made eye contact with. Tall, dark wavy hair that was a little too long, classic hipster glasses, somewhat tired expression--he basically looks like a typical computer science major. "Hi," I reply, reluctantly walking over to the table.
"We're the Tech Store. We have all your tech needs," he says quietly.
"Okay," I say, nodding my head and desperately trying to think of something to say. Think. Come on, thinkkkkk.
"Yeahhhh," he says. Cue an awkward, three second pause during which neither of us really look at each other.
Say something. Say it now. Seriously, THINK OF SOMETHING.
"So, do you guys sell computers?" As soon as I said it, I hated myself. I blushed. It was probably the dumbest thing to ever say to someone who works at the TECHNOLOGY STORE.
"Yeah," he says, probably noting the stupid question, but probably also relieved the silence was broken. He rambles on about other things they do, but I wasn't listening. My cheeks were burning and I just wanted to run away.
"Okay, thanks," I reply warmly, moving away a little. "I'm just going to take some of this candy you have sitting out here." I grab a piece and start moving.
"Take more," he said.
"No, I'm good, thanks."
"No really, take more."
At this point, any normal person would take more candy. But you know what I said?
"No, I really shouldn't eat candy." And now I'm walking away as fast as possible.
What. The. Heck. Is. Wrong. With. Me. I'm not kidding when I say I replay that over and over sometimes during those nights I can't fall asleep. It's so awkward and painful to remember. Also, just note I was awkward only because I wasn't expecting to talk to anyone. I wasn't attracted to him or anything. Yet.
Episode #2: The Download
Fast forward 10 months. It's my first week of college, and I don't have a good version of Microsoft Office on my computer. So, I buy the download option from the tech store website. Yet, I don't receive the download link, and I'm instead told to pick it up in store. I'm 20 feet from the tech store, so I just decide to go ask what the deal is right now.
I walk in and approach the first employee. "Can I ask you something?" I say nicely, thinking about all the abrupt ways customers would ask me questions.
He looks up. He looks really familiar.
"Yes, you can," he says in a funny voice. I sense that was a joke, as if I weren't originally allowed to ask him something but now he's allowing me to. I press on with my question about the download link that is no where to be found, and if there's actually something I need to pick up in store.
"No," he says simply, cocking his head to the side and smiling. Pause. You're sort of supposed to elaborate I think.
"So...there's nothing I need to do here?" I say, trying to actually make sense of it all.
"Nope," he says. "But you could say 'hi'." He smiles slightly and is giving me alarmingly intense eye contact.
My stomach twists. Don't blush don't blush don't blush. I laugh. "Hi," I reply.
"Hi." We both just sort of look at each other. I can't stand it, and I still haven't gotten a decent answer. I was also thinking that if I had ever acted like this with a customer, I would have been told to never do it again as I would be unprofessional and not representing the company well and blah blah blah. But, college retail is apparently very different.
"So, I'll get the link by email?"
"Yes, we just haven't updated our description on the website. That's why you're confused. It will come in a day or two," he replies, this time acting like a normal retail employee. At last, my question is answered.
"Okay, thank you," I reply.
"No problem...and I can help you with something else if you need," he offers sincerely.
"No...no, I'm good for now."
"Are you sure?" he asks playfully, pretending to be very serious about it. I laugh and say I'm sure, and leave.
A few minutes later, I realized that was the same guy I had talked to on Scholar's Day. But he had gotten way, way more attractive. He had cut his hair. He still looked like a nerd, but in this case, the nerd look was very nice.
Obviously, after that kind of conversation, I'm going to think about it. It was strange to me, yet enjoyable. Of course I would try to talk to him again.
Episode #3: Buying a Flash Drive I Didn't Really Need
A few days later, I'm sitting outside the tech store. I see him and really want to talk to him, but something is holding me back. After a while of feeling horrible and distant, I say "screw it" and gather up my stuff. I'm going in.
He sitting at the front, untangling a cord. He doesn't even look up. I pretend to be looking for a flash drive, and am approached by another employee who recommends one. I take it and walk around the store, just trying to buy time...just trying to think of a way I can say something to him without being blatantly obvious. But I can't. And he seems so preoccupied. I buy the flash drive from the other employee and leave. Cute nerdy guy ignored me the whole time. Disappointing day. I resolve to give up any attempt at talking to him, because he's obviously not interested.
Episode #4: Waiting Is Never a Good Idea
Today, I was sitting outside the tech store. Part of me wanted to go in and try again, and part of me didn't. And part of me told me that I should really be doing my calculus homework. So I just sat for an hour, stealing glances at him occasionally. After a while, when the tech store was pretty empty of people, I decided to just screw it again and go in, this time with the excuse of looking for an extra lightening cable for my iPhone.
He was standing right at the entrance. I walk in. We make eye contact, and I say hi quietly, moving to the back of the store where the cables are, because unfortunately, I do need to act like I'm there for a reason. And then, he leaves.
I should have known. He had his backpack and everything, and I waited just a little too long. Damn it. Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn it. I leave, feeling horrible, yet AGAIN.
This is where the story ends for now. Tragic, right? Why do I keep trying? Why can't I just forget about it and move on?
Regardless, I have told myself I will go in tomorrow after classes and try one more time. I'm going to give my absolute best effort to converse with him. If it doesn't work, fine. At least I have that consolation. If it works, then I have THAT consolation. But I am tired of this frustration, and I want it resolved.
Stay tuned for the final update.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
First Week At College Wrap-Up
Week one/I have no idea how many weeks there are in a college degree has come to a close. And let me tell you, it has been an interesting experience. Let's give the play-by-play, day-by-day (that was so clever, right?).
Monday
- I was feeling tremendously nervous. I only had two classes to get to today, but before they even began, I was worried over how rusty and stupid I felt after 3 months of doing not much at all.
- The day began with a stressful car ride in rush hour traffic into the sun. Uggh.
- My first class was my math lab, and it wasn't too bad, aside from not being able to understand the TA half the time.
- My next class was programming fundamentals, which I was insanely worried about because my history with coding has not been a pleasant one. Nevertheless, my worries mostly vanished as I think I have the best professor teaching the course.
- With no homework assigned, I literally had nothing to do all day except eat lunch and spend 2 hours in the student union overlooking some lame games of pool and ping pong.
Tuesday
- Went to my first math lecture, and it turns out I had learned everything in it from my test prep books in high school. Funny.
- Finally managed to make a friend in my intro to engineering and computer science class.
- Discovered the library and did math homework.
- Spent too much money on too much campus food and felt sick for the rest of the day.
Wednesday
- Spent most of the day in the library when I wasn't in class.
- Attempted to go to some events to get free food; promptly left when I saw the line for very tiny root beer floats was about 1/4 mile.
- Bought too much food again and zoned out watching more lame ping pong games.
Thursday
- Went to my classes again; got lost on the way to two of them. Only a freshman gets lost on the second day and not on the first.
- Happily discovered that I had already done my first project I received in my intro to engineering class a year ago.
- Ate lunch with a friend.
- Wrote an inspirational thing about Steve Jobs for a class.
- Talked with the cute guy at the tech store.
- Was asked to the silent disco; had to refuse because carpooling sucks. ):
Friday
- NO CLASSES!!!!!!!!1!!
Not a bad first week, huh? It was basically like my typical week during high school except with better food, more to do, and cooler people. I will say that one thing I like about college so far is the anonymity; almost nobody knows who I am, and that is incredibly refreshing. At my high school, everyone knew who I was, and most people weren't particularly warm to me because of that (I was a good student and I was disliked for that). But so far college has been a nice, perhaps slightly nerve-wracking, transition. Anyway, time to get to class; check back next week for more of my super interesting freshman experiences.
Monday
- I was feeling tremendously nervous. I only had two classes to get to today, but before they even began, I was worried over how rusty and stupid I felt after 3 months of doing not much at all.
- The day began with a stressful car ride in rush hour traffic into the sun. Uggh.
- My first class was my math lab, and it wasn't too bad, aside from not being able to understand the TA half the time.
- My next class was programming fundamentals, which I was insanely worried about because my history with coding has not been a pleasant one. Nevertheless, my worries mostly vanished as I think I have the best professor teaching the course.
- With no homework assigned, I literally had nothing to do all day except eat lunch and spend 2 hours in the student union overlooking some lame games of pool and ping pong.
Tuesday
- Went to my first math lecture, and it turns out I had learned everything in it from my test prep books in high school. Funny.
- Finally managed to make a friend in my intro to engineering and computer science class.
- Discovered the library and did math homework.
- Spent too much money on too much campus food and felt sick for the rest of the day.
Wednesday
- Spent most of the day in the library when I wasn't in class.
- Attempted to go to some events to get free food; promptly left when I saw the line for very tiny root beer floats was about 1/4 mile.
- Bought too much food again and zoned out watching more lame ping pong games.
Thursday
- Went to my classes again; got lost on the way to two of them. Only a freshman gets lost on the second day and not on the first.
- Happily discovered that I had already done my first project I received in my intro to engineering class a year ago.
- Ate lunch with a friend.
- Wrote an inspirational thing about Steve Jobs for a class.
- Talked with the cute guy at the tech store.
- Was asked to the silent disco; had to refuse because carpooling sucks. ):
Friday
- NO CLASSES!!!!!!!!1!!
Not a bad first week, huh? It was basically like my typical week during high school except with better food, more to do, and cooler people. I will say that one thing I like about college so far is the anonymity; almost nobody knows who I am, and that is incredibly refreshing. At my high school, everyone knew who I was, and most people weren't particularly warm to me because of that (I was a good student and I was disliked for that). But so far college has been a nice, perhaps slightly nerve-wracking, transition. Anyway, time to get to class; check back next week for more of my super interesting freshman experiences.
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