This week has been a struggle. For one, it's the week before midterms. And second, I've contracted an annoying cold that has left me sniffling every 5 seconds. Yeah, I'm "that girl" that everyone hates for going to school sick. Sorry, but, education, you know.
So on Wednesday, I was eating lunch in the cafeteria before my programming lecture. I looked and felt horrible, and genuinely just wanted to eat alone. Alas.
I was approached by two students who asked me if they could sit down. My first thought was no. That was followed up by Why do they want to sit with me when there are like 20 open tables? But me, being too nice for my own good, said "Yeah, sure!" and made space for them. Also, you can't really say no when someone asks if they can sit with you...unless you want to be a complete douche bag.
I looked at them and waited. What were they going to pitch to me this time? The guy speaks up. "We are a Christian organization on campus," he says. "What is your spirituality?"
I stared at him with my tired, puffy eyes. Dear God. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Do I really look like I want to discuss this?
"Uhhh...what do you mean? Like, what is my religion?" I say, feeling uncomfortable discussing this with a complete stranger. He nods. Oh shit, I think. I can't believe I'm having to answer this. I gave a pretty weak, general answer, because I felt too uncomfortable to really give them depth.
Based on my answer, they probably sensed I was desperately in need of Jesus. To get at this, he then asked me "Are you happy with your life?"
This question took the cake. It was startling. You don't just ask random strangers if they're happy with their lives! I have never in my life really considered this question. Yeah, sure, everyone has an idea of exactly how religious they are. But not many people stop and truly consider if they're happy with their lives.
My answer was that relative to last year, yes, I am happy. I understand that if I had said no, that could be a way they could get me more interested in joining the organization because of the promise that becoming more religious would equate to more happiness. Or at least, I think that's what their mindset was. Regardless, I've been thinking about this question ever since.
I find it difficult to imagine anyone truly, wholly, 100% happy with his or her life. Is that actually possible? Won't there always be something that detracts from your happiness, even if in a negligible way? Something in your unhappier past, or something in the uncertainty of the future, that makes you less happy at the current stage of your life? What does it really take to be happy?
So, am I happy now? I can't answer that without making a comparison.
A year ago, I was miserable. I knew I was unhappy at the time, but in hindsight, I was actually miserable. I had a host of problems on my plate, with the biggest portion devoted to the life-sucking college admissions process. I was also stuck in a school I loathed--every second I was there, I spent my "free time" staring at the pictures of the previous graduating classes on the wall and just constantly thinking "When is that going to be me? Am I ever going to get there?" To further emphasize how unhappy I was, I want to share some segments of my journal entries throughout the year.
"I hope this road through high school ends at a desirable location. I feel blind and lost on the path to what I want. I'm only hoping everything will turn out...is that okay? To just hope and try your best to act on it?"
"I just want to know I'll be okay, I suppose. That when I stand on the stage at graduation in a year, looking into my parents' eyes and grasping my diploma...that I feel accomplished and proud. That it all paid off. That everything was for something. Because right now, it definitely doesn't feel like it."
"I don't understand how I could have worked so hard and done so much and dreamed so much and it just came down to 6 rejections."
"What is there to focus on when your whole life, you've focused on the long term and that has driven you to excel and then suddenly your long term gets crushed very quickly?"
"I put everything I had into this school, and I'm still not good enough."
"I feel like I haven't gotten a chance to take a step back and breathe and think about everything. Too busy to be happy, really."
"[...] Because the only idea I'm holding onto is that life will somehow be better after I graduate."
"A year from now, I'll be at one of those colleges and I will be happy."
I apologize; that was pretty depressing. Yet, realistic. What strikes me is that now, a year later, the difference in my happiness level is comparable to the difference between day and night. Somehow, a year ago, I knew things would get better, but I didn't fully accept it. I was just waiting for it to happen. And it finally happened, my first week of college; all of that disappointment I'd carried with me for months disappeared very quickly.
Sure, I've still got things that concern me, but I can say that I am relatively happy. As I've already said, for once in my life, I feel like I am, academically, in the right place. It is astonishing the difference that that has made in my happiness level. It was practically everything I needed.
Perhaps complete happiness can be achieved by feeling like everything just fits -- as if every component of your past and present life are in perfect harmony. Until then, I can say I'm genuinely happy with my current level of happiness.
