Graduating

I apologize for the untimeliness of this post; I was a little busy graduating yesterday.

This week, I thought I'd discuss the ceremony and some thoughts about graduating and my high school school experience. Don't worry--I'm not going to go through a play-by-play of the ceremony, because that would be incredibly boring.

I always thought the day I would graduate would be glorious and I'd be filled with tears of joy for an entire 24 hours. Last year, when I watched the seniors of my school at their graduation, I did want to cry. Cry because I was happy for them. Cry because that was something I wanted so badly, and that it would be a rough year away.

I didn't cry yesterday though. I didn't even really come close. You know why? Because I was instead filled with complete joy. Raw and whole-hearted joy.

There was no better feeling than standing across the stage and looking into my parents' eyes. Just seeing in their eyes everything they had sacrificed for me to be able to graduate at that moment. Everything they could have had, they set aside for me. I thought about all of our shared disappointments and uplifts. Our trials and tribulations. And all I could think was I have never been happier in my life.

Some of my classmates walked across the stage as if it was a right to receive their diploma. A right for their parents to work so hard to help them through school. A right to an education. But I didn't. I knew everything my parents had dreamed of for me and worked so hard to achieve. I knew that millions of people all around the world would give anything to receive this level of education. I knew that this was a privilege, not a right. It was an honor. It was a dream and an expectation fulfilled. And for that, I was truly grateful.

As a result, I walked across the stage in front of 2,000 people with the biggest, genuine smile on my face. I didn't worry about tripping. I didn't worry about embarrassing myself. I didn't think about anything except being in that moment, because there is probably no drug that could produce that kind of high I experienced for those 2 minutes.

At the end of the presentation of diplomas, my classmates and I walked out of the auditorium before anyone else. And again, I couldn't stop smiling among the cheers and clapping. I felt I had left an enormous load off my mind back at that stage. It felt like pure happiness was just radiating out of me. As soon as we all got out of everyone's line of vision, we had our own celebration of high fives and cheers and running and jumping.

My friends, relatives, teachers, coaches, and everyone in between came to see me and wish me congratulations and tell me they were proud of me, etc. Some of my fellow graduates whom I had never had the chance to speak to before congratulated me as well and wished me good luck. And suddenly, I realized that there were many important words unsaid and possible great friendships and experiences that could have happened, but that didn't. And that is my only regret regarding high school, because some of those people I finally had the chance to talk to and have a nice conversation with yesterday could have been been very good friends.

If only I had spent a little less time studying, worrying, and stressing. If only I had spent fewer hours crammed in the corner of the study hall, whether I was actually studying or catching up on sleep. If only I could have broken out of my shy, reserved shell and had the courage to say hi. At the same time, not everyone at school wanted to be my friend, and perhaps that was a difficult lesson to learn, but it was a vital one. Still. I could have tried a little harder.

Other than that, I have no regrets. I worked very hard for everything and I stayed incredibly focused as my life took on some very sharp twists and turns. I realized my senior year that I really didn't need to work as hard as I did at everything, but even knowing that, I continued to work hard and push myself to do my best. There is a crazy satisfaction in knowing that you gave everything you had to something, even if it didn't give you the result you wanted or dreamed of. For that reason, I wouldn't change anything about my high school experience if I could.

One more thing. I am so incredibly thankful for the support I received from my friends and family throughout my high school education. I cannot tell you how many days I went into the gym and just flopped down on my favorite mat and lamented over my latest test grade or my fears of not getting into college. And just like that, my teammates and various kids of all ages were right there to encourage me and tell me it would all be okay and that they believed I could get into any school in the world (a little naive, but heart warming). Those days I would come home from a long day at school and log into social media to read nice messages from my closest friends. Those days that my favorite teachers would tell me I did impressive work. All of those moments lifted my spirits and helped motivate me to keep pushing and dreaming.

With that, that concludes my thoughts about graduating. It was the happiest day of my life thus far. The road through high school was mostly difficult, disappointing, and frustrating, but there were definitely some key life experiences and life-changing people sprinkled throughout. And now, I am excited to turn the page and begin a new chapter as I start college in just a few short months. It should be a pretty good read.

Mathematics

So I got done with school last Wednesday. I know, right. I should be like "heck yeah" and "wow I can't believe this year went by so fast" and hanging out with theoretical friends and seeing movies and...you get the idea.

What have I been doing? Playing 2048 as I wait for the phone to ring for job interviews. I can't decide if that sentence makes me sound more like an adult or a child.

If you don't know what 2048 is, it's a math game involving powers of two, all the way up to 2^11, which equals 2048. You can try it out here (I warn you, it can be either very boring or, as in my case, very addicting).

Being addicted to this game reminds me that I genuinely like math. I just finished calculus this year and I actually really enjoyed it. Calculus was especially interesting and beautiful to me because it can seamlessly show the relationship among changing things, and how there are more connections among apparently unrelated things than you think.

I know that's vague, but that's my general idea. I was never really a math person until I started precalculus. It was then that I saw that many random things I had learned up to that point actually had relevance and worked together. And almost always flawlessly, at that. It got me curious.

Soon I discovered Numberphile as I was investigating why people seem to love to say they "hate math" or "were never much of a math person". There, I found a video of one of the world's greatest mathematicians, Edward Frenkel, discussing why he believed many people dislike math. You can watch that video here.

I was intrigued. And moved. And suddenly, it all made sense. I was always good at math, but it was boring until I got to higher level math. It is there when you begin to see correlations, and it becomes enticing and exquisite.

Back to Edward Frenkel. He is incredible. He advocates changing the way we teach math to allow kids to see the real gems of mathematics and show them that there is so much more to math than the boring stuff you do for 10 years. Frenkel recently wrote a book (which I plan on reading and enjoying very shortly), too, called Love and Math about his experience becoming a mathematician and other math-related things. He is even so in love with mathematics that he made an short, erotic movie, called Rights of Love and Math, about finding a mathematical formula for love.

Perhaps that seems like a little much, but that honestly inspires me. The fact that he does something he loves so much that he makes an almost pornographic movie about it is awesome to me. His personal story is inspiring in so many ways. He honestly has been an encouragement to me to continue loving math because it will only get better as it gets more difficult.

Perhaps the main reason I enjoy math is because, at least in the math I do, I know there is going to be a definite solution. You're presented with a problem and there is a satisfaction in knowing that you can solve it and get the single right answer. Life's problems are not so much like that. You're usually unexpectedly presented with a serious problem, and somehow you're expected to figure it out and get the right solution. But the key is, you rarely know the right course of action to take. Or the even the right solution. You're supposed to solve a problem that you don't know how to solve. You are effectively blind.

And that is where math is beautiful. For most of math, there is clarity. There is a correct answer, and many right ways to approach it. Once you find that solution, you experience the beauty of how numerous parts can fit together into the most splendid machine.

Mathematics is a truly wonderful and mysterious world. I hope that someday the common negative connotations associated with it dissolve with better teaching and understanding. Then, just maybe, we can all experience something truly beautiful.

I Think It's Okay To Be Sort Of Two-Faced

Yep. I'm somewhat two-faced.

I alternate between two basic personalities: sweet-awkward and sarcastic-snarky. I know. Those qualities are polar opposites, and perhaps I should be disappointed that I am not consistently one dimensional.

I'm kidding; I truly wish I had one magical personality that fit every mold.

Well, as long as I have two personalities, I might as well use them efficiently. Here's a brief summary.

Sweet-Awkward
> Good for: relatives, strangers, friends I don't know very well, and anyone I don't want to see my "snark" side.
> Bad for: conversations and interacting in general. Also requires a heck of a lot of energy to consistently appear happy.
Includes: fake laughing at everything, smiling sweetly, awkwardly saying nice things, etc.

Sarcastic-Snarky
> Good for: people who don't take things annoyingly seriously and brothers. Requires very little energy.
> Bad for: parents, strangers, relatives, drama queens, serious people, and just about everyone.
Includes: sarcastic replies to basic questions, stating the obvious, giving unrealistic solutions to problems that aren't actually problems, making realistic observations that are perceived as snarky, etc.

Of course, since I am, to some extent, two-faced, I have to justify it. I truly think most people are like this; I mean you don't really want to say something extremely sarcastic to your great great grandmother. And you usually keep a shy, reserved front when meeting new people. It's just necessary for some people to get the better side of you, and that's okay.

Then, you get close enough to the right people to be able to fearlessly show who you feel like being sometimes. There is something to be said for really being yourself with someone and feeling completely safe and accepted in doing so. Seriously. If the other person still thinks you're cool enough to talk to, congratulations. You've made a real friend.

So, don't be bothered if you don't have a personality that works for everyone. Nothing works for everyone. When you find people you can really connect with, you'll realize that this was how it was always meant to be. And you will feel a lot more accepting of being shamelessly double-sided.

Making Commitments When You Feel Like a Child

Lately I've been thinking about the always increasing number of serious, long-term commitments you're expected to make as you become an adult. You decide you're going to college, you decide you're getting married, you decide you're going to take a job, and so on.

I'm no stranger to commitments. Heck, I devoted a decade of my life to one sport. On top of that, you literally make hundreds of commitments every day during gymnastics training. When you decide to do a skill that scares you, or your hardest tumbling pass, you have to 100% commit to it from the very beginning. Otherwise, you hesitate (what the gymnastics world calls "bail") and you get injured. Seriously.

But frankly, I'm scared of making really serious commitments. Like possibly life-changing commitments. I haven't really had to make any yet, but I know they're coming, and even the thought of that scares me.

This brings me to my next point: how on earth can you make a long-term commitment when you feel like a child? I may be an "adult", but I still feel incredibly young, vulnerable, and wholly ignorant about so, so many things. Yet, I'm going to be expected to decide for myself the routes I want to take in life.

Also, I usually don't really spend time thinking about the decisions others make, but lately, some of my friends my age or younger have decided to get married. Uh, yeah. Get freaking married. I don't know how they feel, and it really shouldn't concern me, but it honestly seems terrifying. To think that you are just 18 years old and already completely committed to someone else, forever. I imagine other people don't see it as terrifying as I do, but then again, they're probably not as paranoid as I am.

I guess it's normal to be scared of intense commitments because of all the unknowns involved. What will happen? What could I lose? What could I gain? What if I took another path--what would be different? Everything is out of our control, and it all just really reminds us who we really are: powerless, defenseless human beings. That's ironic considering how much we think we have control and how much we actually have control. We can't be certain of anything. We can't truly decide anything for ourselves. It is all in other hands.

Knowing that, the idea of our being relatively powerless sort of undermines "decision making" if we can't really do anything about it. But is this what ultimately transforms you into a real adult--being able to competently make difficult, long-term commitments, acknowledging that making the decision itself is probably the only control we have in it? Because if it is, that would explain why I'm afraid of making them--it all circles back to not wanting to grow up!