Nobody Wins When We Play the Waiting Game

If there's one game that I've played every second, every minute, and every day of the past 4 years, it's the waiting game. And it turns out, I'm not very good at it.

I know it's normal for many college-bound high school students to be stressed. I'm familiar with that. But what makes what's already stressful enough--homework, bad teachers, SAT, ACT, SAT subject tests, AP exams, PSAT, the general horribleness of the high school social environment, and the monotony of rinse, wash, and repeat--even more stressful is the added thought of college. It's just a thought freshmen year. It's just a thought sophomore year. It's a plan junior year. And then, it's an action senior year.

Anyone motivated and under the right circumstances from the beginning of their high school experience has been conditioned to believe they are going to college. Up until senior year, everything is possible. You imagine things in your head, such as walking around Dream University's campus, telling people you studied at Dream University, blah blah.

This is when the waiting game begins: when every academic move you make will affect your college chances. At first, it's not too bad. Besides the "man I wish I was in college!" thoughts periodically, it's not horrible. Fast forward to junior year, and it's a slightly different story.

You wish you were in college so much that it hurts sometimes. At least, it did for me. I spent my entire junior year only thinking about senior year and freshman year of college, specifically how freaking awesome it would be to finally be finishing this difficult journey. How I'd definitely be able to get into a college with an acceptance rate of  16%. How I'll get all my super prestigious college decisions, and how could I possibly choose from seven Ivy League decisions with full rides! How I'd be graduating, throwing my hat up in the air, and thinking what a wonderful experience this has been.

Well, guess what. Senior year sucks. I can't remember the last time I've had fun, felt truly calm, or actually even content. It's just been a year of too many stresses. Why? Because the waiting game is coming to a close, and I'm finally coming to terms with the reality of college admissions. This is the truest experience of the reality of the unfairness of the real world for me.

I applied to seven schools. Stupidly. You know why? Because 4 of them are near-Ivies and one Ivy. One of them is the school I really would have liked to get into, one I'm barely interested in, and the last is my backup school. I basically knew I was setting myself up for possible disappointment, and I still applied anyway. I wrote all of those 30 stinking essays. I poured my heart and every ounce of energy I had into them. I spent the last few months of 2013 taking the last few critical standardized tests I'd need to be considered. And all along, while exhausted and stressed to the max, I kept telling myself that everything was possible. Maybe that sounds good to you, but it's really come back to hurt me now.

I haven't been outright rejected. In a somewhat worse way, I've been "practically rejected" from two schools so far, one of which I really, really, really wanted to attend. They didn't outright say I was excellent, and they didn't outright say I wasn't bad. Just average. And that's hard to accept when you've prided yourself on being a bit above average in many things for the past few years.

I believe everybody loses when we play the waiting game. The loss is different for different people. Even if you "win"-- you get into the college you want, you finally marry the person you want--you've still lost a lot of something along the way. In my case, I've lost all of that precious time I spent on those applications, a lot of my sanity, my energy, a lot of my happiness, and some of my dreams. All for what? Where my education will take place for the next four years? This is looking like an extreme, somewhat superficial sacrifice. And it shouldn't be, because I know that I'll look back in one, two, three, or four years and think how trivial it has been. But I can't think that now, because the waiting game still continues.

A Word About Mean Words

Yesterday, one of my YouTube subscriptions uploaded a video that really struck me. In it, he talked about the power of mean words, sometimes just a few, that can completely alter an individual's perspective on anything. It got me thinking.

I've experienced my fair share of bullying and hateful words, especially in my first years of school. I still remember the first day, actually just the first 10 minutes, of 1st grade when I walked into the classroom with my awesome green folder in hand. I sat down at a table with three other kids, across from a boy who was staring straight at me with the meanest look a 6 year old can have on his face. I looked at him questioningly. "Your folder is stupid," he said decidedly, smiling slightly at the obvious hurt he had caused. I remember holding in the tears for 7 hours, and as soon as my mom picked me up, I burst into uncontrollable tears. Well, that was a good start to the school year.

Probably the worst time of mean words for me was the one year I had a verbally abusive gymnastics coach. The horrible things he'd say to me still sound crystal clear in my brain. One time, for example, I was having an bad day and did a mediocre leap on beam. He walked straight up to me and asked me if I knew who Marta Karolyi, one of the most famous gymnastics coaches in the world, was. Being a level 6 competitive gymnast, of course I knew who she was. He then went on to say, "Well, if she were here right now, she would say that was the worst split leap she has ever seen." I remember not even feeling too surprised at the time because these comments were so frequent. But it still hurt. Badly.

Then there have been the common mean statements, such as "You're not pretty", "You're stupid/dumb/an idiot", and my personal favorite, "You're a problem to your parents." That last one couldn't be further from the truth, but somehow it still makes me upset.

I guess I am just naturally a sensitive (I prefer "emotionally aware") person, but it's hard for a child who is so young to comprehend why people can be so mean to you for no reason. Most of the time, they have inherent problems, and that's something I've struggled with all my life to grasp. Ironically, it makes me nicer. I really can't say anything insulting to anyone, even people who I get really frustrated and angry with, because I don't want them to feel what I do whenever somebody says something horrible to me.

Where am I going with this? Ultimately, use a filter whenever you're irritated with somebody. You never know how sensitive someone is and how greatly it can affect them. Even those people who say that they don't care and hate just makes them stronger, etc., still feel the jab of an insensitive comment. After all, they're human too. It's funny, really, because in this world of biting unfairness, shouldn't we all be trying to build each other up rather than cutting each other down?

My Bucket List

In no particular order, here are the things I'd like to accomplish before the inevitable, and like most lists I make for myself, I'll complete 90% of it and save the other 10% for the next list.


1. Ride a camel
2. Visit Europe
3. Visit Australia
4. See Ludovico Einaudi live
5. See The Script live
6. Go to a Jon McLaughlin concert
7. Watch every movie that I've ever wanted to watch
8. Save a life
9. Play a tennis match
10. Make a hole in one
11. Drive a Ferrari
12. Visit New York City
13. Visit Boston
14. Watch the summer Olympics, live
15. Meet the Duchess of Cambridge
16. Meet Dan Howell
17. Not worry about anything for an entire day or more
18. Learn to tap dance
19. Surf
20. Run a 5K
21. Spend more time doing nothing
22. Solve a Rubix cube
23. Go shopping one day and buy everything I want
24. See Andrea Bocelli live
25. See the 2014 AT&T American Cup live
26. Ride an elephant
27. Try sailing
28. Get good at tennis
29. Get good at racquetball
30. Have many patents
31. Change the world


- to be continued -

Hi

Now that you've been on this blog for two seconds, I'm sure you're already confused. So am I. Let's try to change that.

First, I'd like you to evaluate how you're spending your time. Right now, you're on a tiny corner of the internet that I've taken up residence in. Who am I, you ask? For now, all you need to know is that I'm a writer. And you can call me Mer. The goal of this blog is to be an outlet for my incoherent thoughts, sort of like what Lorde's songs are to her.

I'm not doing it for some project or social experiment or some other thing. Really, I absolutely don't need another thing to do. But I've wanted to start a blog for quite some time now as some means of expression. So here it is.

I don't expect a following, and I'm not sure if I even want anybody to read the hopeless things I say. Well then, you might ask, why am I putting it on the internet? I don't know. Life's greatest questions are often left unanswered. And I'm not saying that was one of life's greatest questions. I'm just drawing a comparison. Uggh nevermind.

Anyway, welcome. Prepare to be sucked into an even deeper vortex of confusion.